Me?
19/07/1991
Cancer
Keming Primary
1E 2EE 3A
Nan Hua Primary
4F 5G 6G
HCI High School Section
1J 2J 3K 4K
HCI College Section
OG 11
08S63
黄城夜韵2008 - 音响组 （完美升级）
戏剧营2008 - 组长 （玄武）
黄城夜韵2009 - 导督团 （我的爷爷爱吃牛肉面）
A2212
T2208
L2103
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Likes
being out of camp
suitable amounts of training
being around the people i like
Dislikes
getting tekan for no reason :\
rushing to wait, waiting to rush
Hopes
to commission
to ORD soon
to live life to its fullest every day
People to See
PaoPao
ShouKee
XiaoYao
YunHeng
YiChen
Nic
Annie
Jason
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Thursday, April 30, 2009
wah damn tired >< got so much things to do to catch up...
but all i want to do is to sleep for a week now ahaha. sian =.= don't feel like doing anything. then again, if i don't do, whos going to do for me? *sob*
10pm alrdy. zzz. i wish i could put my life back on hold again like during bump-in.. where i just purely focus on what i need to do.
guess thats what i'll do before a's ._. hide in my cave and 闭关修炼 ahaha.
im dead beat.. with a pile of tutorials to do. not like im particularly intelligent either -.- ararhahrharh.
and i can't find my earpieces anywhere ):
k i shall look at some notes then go to sleep. zz better do something productive tmr. or im doomed.
but all i want to do is to sleep for a week now ahaha. sian =.= don't feel like doing anything. then again, if i don't do, whos going to do for me? *sob*
10pm alrdy. zzz. i wish i could put my life back on hold again like during bump-in.. where i just purely focus on what i need to do.
guess thats what i'll do before a's ._. hide in my cave and 闭关修炼 ahaha.
im dead beat.. with a pile of tutorials to do. not like im particularly intelligent either -.- ararhahrharh.
and i can't find my earpieces anywhere ):
k i shall look at some notes then go to sleep. zz better do something productive tmr. or im doomed.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
even eeshawn and weipin write their reflections in chinese ): pressure me sia. however, i insist in writing in english. okay maybe some chinese here and there. here i go!
its quite sad now to see my inbox sitting empty of useful emails (apart from the usual facebook spam). i don't really want to archive all 167 of my huangcheng emails sitting there ): somehow, it feels as if somehow, someday, something will appear if i just keep hoping. its just a sad reminder of what's already gone.
yeah fine. so maybe i teared a little during debrief of xiemu 3. but i guess its sorta in my job scope to keep things going and under control. i didn't really want to, but i threw my feelings aside and started working. could see people sniffling as they were clearing markings, moving out daojus. at the same time, there were people smiling, laughing all the way out of VT. i guess i was feeling rather emotionless at the time. too tired, too little time to think. had to get things going.
then followed the first monday without huangcheng. uneventful, since i spent about 21 hours of the day sleeping. when you don't think, you don't feel anything. not to mention i was probably close to a comatose state at the time. i don't think anything short of an air raid could have woken me at the slightest.
then came day 2. today. shenyang mentioned that she saw all the daoju (with the exception of the platforms: hey i knew they were indestructible!) being trashed in a big red dumpster. wandered by this afternoon to have a look, and saw some remnants of my hdb backdrops sticking out. naturally, filled with confusion again. not really sure about how or why i'm feeling this way. just want to sleep more. nua more. spend more time with my friends.
perhaps this is a sign of depression? didnt get a case of this so bad last year. perhaps its considering how time consuming huangcheng got, and how irreplacable it is in not just mine, but everyone's hearts. my term as an sm has come to an end, and my time even as a member will soon draw to a close. after which, i'll be relegated to the ranks of alumni over the last 28 years. give or take, its a couple of months, tops.
life has to go on, i know. time and tide wait for no man, as they say. i still have homework to do, a life to lead. i can't let myself be slowed down; especially not now. not during this crucial time. i must say, i can feel the fatigue all the way inside my bones, in my core. and i fear that no amount of sleep will make it go away. its as if the spirit has been sucked out, nothing left but an empty husk.
waiting for the spark to reignite the flame.
the year has been tiring and stressful for many. 4 months, and yet it seems both an eternity and an eyeblink has gone by. i still think that there's 协调 tmr, a full run on friday, and a 总彩 on saturday.
公演 doesnt seem to have happened yet.
perhaps im deluding myself, but i just don't want everything to end now. but i think i've mentioned before in a previous post right? life goes on. and i think that i've found something to look forward to. :) must learn to look forward to every day, like there was huangcheng the next day. though it was many, many late nights, i never really stopped looking forward to the next day's huangcheng, rehearsals, debriefs, everything.
ahaha i suppose it was worth sacrificing a bit of time to write this. though i still really feel drained at heart, the mood seems lighter. i trust everyone can get through this together (: because as what a certain teacher mentioned on SMB, we can make miracles! (omg i mentioned this too during final debrief right? pro is me!)
ash to ash, dust to dust. everything ends, fades away, some quicker, some slower. i doubt that anyone can truthfully promise to think about huangcheng non-stop. because there's so much more to look forward to in life. even if you can't see it now, please try. before it gets too late.
actually, it's never really too late to be enlightened. because its about living your life content, living your life the best you can. not living your life the way you want it, though you can try. i think the most important is to learn to be content.
huangcheng has shaped me mentally (and physically; whats with SM 守戒 =.=), and i think i've become a better person. well, a more informed one that is. a more experienced person. everyone has grown, and it gladdens me to see that everyone (i think and hope) felt that it was worth it placing that 3 months of blood, sweat, and tears into a production, along with everyone else. the memories will last. really.
i can't possibly thank everyone, nor do i want to. because some people deserve more accolade than others, and i'm hardly an impartial person. the next best alternative, naturally, would be to dedicate the following to everyone. less personalised, yes, but i feel that it comes from the heart. hopefully it'll make your day, and help you move on. quickly. because time is short, and your future is at stake. for your own sake, get moving!
huangcheng has been a tiring, but enjoyable experience for all. bringing out your best in front of 2712 people total: that's hardly a feat many can brag about. for J2s, its a grand total of 5424 people in JC. hopefully, you have touched, or changed, even in the smallest way possible, the lives of every single one of these individuals. you have helped shape them. and they, in turn, have helped shape you. along with all your group mates, huangcheng people who have always been by your side over the last 3 months. you cried, laughed, high-ed along with all of these people. and i feel that they, too have made their own little changes to you.
people aren't just individuals. they are individuals with the input of many, many other people. all of which shaping your character, your personality, your lives. no matter what has gone by, i'll always be thankful to you, who changed my life, and the lives of everyone around you. everybody is special in their own right, in their own way. thanks for being there. :)
when everyone heads down separate ways, it is fate, and the memories that bind. take a good look at these people, because this could very well be the last hours, days, months that you will be spending together. forever.
and yet, do not cry, because there will be others to take their place. which is why life becomes fulfilling, ever-changing, enriching. learn to let go, so that you can move on. as quoted from garfield: you only go through life once, so go for everything that you can get! love everyone, talk to everyone, live your life. they talk about the half empty or half full cup of water. seriously, it doesn't matter. because the glass is as full as you want it to be. everyone starts out with some water in their cup. some more, some less. how you fill up the rest is up to you.
i want to fill up my life with my friends, my work. my successes, my failures. my loves and my wants. in short, i want to fill my life with you.
i was always kinda a loner. don't really like mixing around with people much. because i don't really know how to communicate. not then, not now. but i'm learning. and huangcheng has given me friends i can count on, who i know would take a shot for me.
and i know, i would take a shot for them too.
i suppose i needed to type this because i needed a sort of closure. to the final page in this chapter. can't turn back time, can't relive old memories. because memories will never really become reality again. its sadly beautiful to watch these memories age, to fade, to disappear. like watching the last flake of snow evaporate silently in your hand.
at least you know that you'll see it again. someday, somewhere.
but for memories, we can only hope.
hope that we'll all meet again.
hope that fate will bring us together.
hope that everyone stays safe.
hope that feelings stay true.
even though we may still feel that dread of loss that gradually approaches, there's nothing we can do about it but to meet it head on. with everyone as support, we'll make it through: together. jiayou guys! life after huangcheng has to go on! keep living, keep hoping. we'll make a better tomorrow for us, for everyone :)
and hope, really, is all we need.
its quite sad now to see my inbox sitting empty of useful emails (apart from the usual facebook spam). i don't really want to archive all 167 of my huangcheng emails sitting there ): somehow, it feels as if somehow, someday, something will appear if i just keep hoping. its just a sad reminder of what's already gone.
yeah fine. so maybe i teared a little during debrief of xiemu 3. but i guess its sorta in my job scope to keep things going and under control. i didn't really want to, but i threw my feelings aside and started working. could see people sniffling as they were clearing markings, moving out daojus. at the same time, there were people smiling, laughing all the way out of VT. i guess i was feeling rather emotionless at the time. too tired, too little time to think. had to get things going.
then followed the first monday without huangcheng. uneventful, since i spent about 21 hours of the day sleeping. when you don't think, you don't feel anything. not to mention i was probably close to a comatose state at the time. i don't think anything short of an air raid could have woken me at the slightest.
then came day 2. today. shenyang mentioned that she saw all the daoju (with the exception of the platforms: hey i knew they were indestructible!) being trashed in a big red dumpster. wandered by this afternoon to have a look, and saw some remnants of my hdb backdrops sticking out. naturally, filled with confusion again. not really sure about how or why i'm feeling this way. just want to sleep more. nua more. spend more time with my friends.
perhaps this is a sign of depression? didnt get a case of this so bad last year. perhaps its considering how time consuming huangcheng got, and how irreplacable it is in not just mine, but everyone's hearts. my term as an sm has come to an end, and my time even as a member will soon draw to a close. after which, i'll be relegated to the ranks of alumni over the last 28 years. give or take, its a couple of months, tops.
life has to go on, i know. time and tide wait for no man, as they say. i still have homework to do, a life to lead. i can't let myself be slowed down; especially not now. not during this crucial time. i must say, i can feel the fatigue all the way inside my bones, in my core. and i fear that no amount of sleep will make it go away. its as if the spirit has been sucked out, nothing left but an empty husk.
waiting for the spark to reignite the flame.
the year has been tiring and stressful for many. 4 months, and yet it seems both an eternity and an eyeblink has gone by. i still think that there's 协调 tmr, a full run on friday, and a 总彩 on saturday.
公演 doesnt seem to have happened yet.
perhaps im deluding myself, but i just don't want everything to end now. but i think i've mentioned before in a previous post right? life goes on. and i think that i've found something to look forward to. :) must learn to look forward to every day, like there was huangcheng the next day. though it was many, many late nights, i never really stopped looking forward to the next day's huangcheng, rehearsals, debriefs, everything.
ahaha i suppose it was worth sacrificing a bit of time to write this. though i still really feel drained at heart, the mood seems lighter. i trust everyone can get through this together (: because as what a certain teacher mentioned on SMB, we can make miracles! (omg i mentioned this too during final debrief right? pro is me!)
ash to ash, dust to dust. everything ends, fades away, some quicker, some slower. i doubt that anyone can truthfully promise to think about huangcheng non-stop. because there's so much more to look forward to in life. even if you can't see it now, please try. before it gets too late.
actually, it's never really too late to be enlightened. because its about living your life content, living your life the best you can. not living your life the way you want it, though you can try. i think the most important is to learn to be content.
huangcheng has shaped me mentally (and physically; whats with SM 守戒 =.=), and i think i've become a better person. well, a more informed one that is. a more experienced person. everyone has grown, and it gladdens me to see that everyone (i think and hope) felt that it was worth it placing that 3 months of blood, sweat, and tears into a production, along with everyone else. the memories will last. really.
i can't possibly thank everyone, nor do i want to. because some people deserve more accolade than others, and i'm hardly an impartial person. the next best alternative, naturally, would be to dedicate the following to everyone. less personalised, yes, but i feel that it comes from the heart. hopefully it'll make your day, and help you move on. quickly. because time is short, and your future is at stake. for your own sake, get moving!
huangcheng has been a tiring, but enjoyable experience for all. bringing out your best in front of 2712 people total: that's hardly a feat many can brag about. for J2s, its a grand total of 5424 people in JC. hopefully, you have touched, or changed, even in the smallest way possible, the lives of every single one of these individuals. you have helped shape them. and they, in turn, have helped shape you. along with all your group mates, huangcheng people who have always been by your side over the last 3 months. you cried, laughed, high-ed along with all of these people. and i feel that they, too have made their own little changes to you.
people aren't just individuals. they are individuals with the input of many, many other people. all of which shaping your character, your personality, your lives. no matter what has gone by, i'll always be thankful to you, who changed my life, and the lives of everyone around you. everybody is special in their own right, in their own way. thanks for being there. :)
when everyone heads down separate ways, it is fate, and the memories that bind. take a good look at these people, because this could very well be the last hours, days, months that you will be spending together. forever.
and yet, do not cry, because there will be others to take their place. which is why life becomes fulfilling, ever-changing, enriching. learn to let go, so that you can move on. as quoted from garfield: you only go through life once, so go for everything that you can get! love everyone, talk to everyone, live your life. they talk about the half empty or half full cup of water. seriously, it doesn't matter. because the glass is as full as you want it to be. everyone starts out with some water in their cup. some more, some less. how you fill up the rest is up to you.
i want to fill up my life with my friends, my work. my successes, my failures. my loves and my wants. in short, i want to fill my life with you.
i was always kinda a loner. don't really like mixing around with people much. because i don't really know how to communicate. not then, not now. but i'm learning. and huangcheng has given me friends i can count on, who i know would take a shot for me.
and i know, i would take a shot for them too.
i suppose i needed to type this because i needed a sort of closure. to the final page in this chapter. can't turn back time, can't relive old memories. because memories will never really become reality again. its sadly beautiful to watch these memories age, to fade, to disappear. like watching the last flake of snow evaporate silently in your hand.
at least you know that you'll see it again. someday, somewhere.
but for memories, we can only hope.
hope that we'll all meet again.
hope that fate will bring us together.
hope that everyone stays safe.
hope that feelings stay true.
even though we may still feel that dread of loss that gradually approaches, there's nothing we can do about it but to meet it head on. with everyone as support, we'll make it through: together. jiayou guys! life after huangcheng has to go on! keep living, keep hoping. we'll make a better tomorrow for us, for everyone :)
and hope, really, is all we need.
Monday, April 27, 2009
should not write 2 emo posts consecutively. shall use this one as a buffer.
reflections coming tmr! meanwhile, must finish GP compre =.=
reflections coming tmr! meanwhile, must finish GP compre =.=
Monday, April 20, 2009
i was fkin pissed today in the evening, but i guess its blown over and the past is now behind me. i just feel more disillusioned with people in general. whatever. i want to rant now. but its not really nice, so you might want to skip ahead to a *hopefully* more cheerful part of this post.
i really really hate swearing on my blog, because it reflects badly on you as a person, and tends to show a nastier, meaner side of people. but i really need to get things off my chest, or i probably won't be able to sleep well tonight.
just in case you're reading this, i hope you know that i'm *at this current moment of time* fine with it. just pretty disappointed. just want to rant out all the negative stuff, thats all. hope it won't affect working relationships. don't want / need your sympathy or pity or whatever either. thanks.
seriously lar. can people just fkin be more serious. i really hate it when idiots go back on their word la. don't even give me fkin false hope can. I DONT NEED THAT. if its no, just bloody say no from the start. don't make trouble for me. don't make trouble for fkin anyone else. have you any idea how much fkin trouble and inconvenience you've caused because of your stupid fickleness.
fine la. i know everyone's got their troubles and all. i just loaned a sum of $60 from boey today. because i dont want to be a damn 败家子 who only knows how to spend when he can't earn. but what the hell. i will scrimp and fkin save every damn day until i can return him the money. because if lets say i made a mistake ordering the chouwei jacket for an extra 30 dollars, im going to damn well live with it, and figure out a solution. can you seriously be more considerate.
okay maybe im useless and all that and didnt convey the message properly. my fault. thats why im tanking all the stupid extra cost, because it was my damn fault that i bloody trusted you, without keeping my options open. i feel like a damn idiot now for not checking again and again and again. back to square one. i already had the conception that people cannot fkin be trusted. nobody can be trusted, not even yourself. because humans are literally full of damn flaws.
when i entered jc, i thought things changes. i thought i knew people i could trust. i became too trusting, in other words. there have been people who mentioned it to me before. like how i shouldn't be so trusting, so nice, so compliant. because i'd get hurt. then, i just smiled, laughed it off, and thought to myself that i knew better. that i should have faith. because really, nothing else lasts besides true, solid faith.
true enough, it was a matter of time before this illusioned was dispelled. not to say that it hasn't happened before, but i willingly chose to ignore it. thinking back, i realise how damn naive i was. blind trust doesn't take you anywhere. the one who gets hurt is you. period.
i really really hate to be a pessimist. because it makes you age faster, makes you look pissed, and ruins your life in general. but then, being so foolishly happy is folly. they say ignorance is bliss. all can be good and perfect in your world - if you wish it so. just take note, reality will come back and take a bite out of you in the end. i'd rather prevent, over cure. i don't like this at all. why must things be so messy. its all my damn fault for being so relaxed with everyone. i feel so frustrated with myself. why didnt i consider? why didnt i check? why didnt i...
the list goes on. because its all MY fkin fault that i was such a complete idiot for trusting everyone. its not my role to trust anymore. congratulations. 当头一棒. 终于敲醒了. i'm not the sort to 记仇. even though i was so damn pissed today in the evening, everything blew over in a few hours. usually, it takes minutes. but i think i've stated before. believe in forgiving, not forgetting. k maybe im being arrogant, being egocentric, being a complete bastard in general. FINE. i seriously don't give a damn anymore. maybe im a useless bum who has no ability. just fkin tell me and i'll do whatever it takes to get you what you want.
if you want to screw me up, go ahead. i'll just figure out a way to clean up your mess. but if you start affecting other people who are not relevant, i'll come down hard the next time. there better not be a second fking time. nobody likes being lied to. nobody likes being stabbed in the back. all i see are fkin excuses. i really would rather you just told me in the face NO. not give me damn false hope. i repeat, I DONT NEED IT. I DONT CARE FOR IT EITHER. just bloody hell make up your mind, and fkin move on. stop dragging others down. stop making others slog to clean up your mess. i really feel damn apologetic to some ppl. must throw all my messes to them for the to clean up, even though they are so damn stressed. its fkin my fault, and i can't do ANYTHING about it. screw this. screw them. i don't want to be irresponsible and leave these people in the lurch. because they are already trying all they can, giving it their all the give nothing but the best. screw this. i feel so useless.
okay die i can't get out of rant mode. i shall take a hot shower and sleep on it. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
so ironic. i can't wait for it to end, and yet i don't want it to end. stupid paradox. stupid human emotions.
... 本来以为冲完凉, 心就会平静下来, 我就可以好好睡，好好养病. as usual, im almost (was sick this morning) again la. and i need more sleep if i want to survive these few days, barring starting to take caffeine tablets non-stop frm tmr onwards.
但是，越想越一肚子火. die i dont think i can sleep well again tonight. i just hope my fever won't come back. so i will fkin sit here and rant more. meanwhile, i shall keep my email open to check for mails. will do this until 1am. just because i fkin feel like it.
hopefully this cranky feeling will fade by tomorrow. i don't like being a cranky person. people don't like cranky people. neither do i. but sometimes, that feeling just comes to stay, and i can't shake it no matter how hard i try.
是不是我不够魄力?不够能力?是，是，是. don't know anymore why im doing this. why im doing this. why im sacrificing so much. what the hell am i doing?
after the particularly disastrous 总彩 (一), there was a mini 检讨. of which, someone asked. i think it was jason. asked, why everyone was working so hard, was sacrificing so much. nobody had an answer, but me and alvin. it was simple, i thought. i did it because i wanted to. because i love everyone around me, and i want to help. thats why i do it.
that belief has been shaken to the core. which also brings about a terrifying prospect: what if i don't want to work for everyone anymore? i've lost almost all faith in human nature. really. honestly. there wasn't much to begin with, to be frank. but there's really almost an intangible amount now. just serves to reinforce my belief that humans are dogs. myself included. 不打，不骂， and they don't go anywhere. but at least you can trust dogs. as the saying goes, even a dog won't bite the hand that feeds it. dogs don't stab each other. they don't commit genocide. they work hard when ordered to. even to the point of exhaustion, not fatigue, when required. such are animals. simple, innocent creatures.
different from humans. scheming, devious, creatures to say the least. on a normal day, i could probably think of a billion other great things to say about people in general. today, 说不出口. 真的. hate this flawed existence. and to think i was actually enjoying listening about the photoelectric effect today in physics tutorial even. chatting happily with everyone around me. being grateful to my mother for understanding when i said i didn't feel well, letting me sleep in another few hours to rest up. all that, gone. can only think of all the stupid things that have happened today.
research has shown that nothing sticks in the mind more than bad luck, obstacles, and failures. of which, i have no doubt. how everyone takes the good for granted. you can hardly fault people for being cautious and cunning. when all they want is to be the one on top, the one not hurting. people usually dont intend to hurt others. but more often than not, they do, to prevent harming themselves. stupid vicious cycle. ranted so much already, and it feels as if theres so much more to say. i can feel the fatigue in my bones. and yet my mind is in overdrive. because i feel so frustrated, feel that there is such a massive necessity to throw out, thrash out every single bit, every little ounce of rage over the last month, or even year. i want to get all this negative stuff out behind me, and go down to VT and have fun with everyone. because it'll probably be the last time i'm ever going to feel this way. ever going to truly enjoy myself, ever going to really bask in companionship. i dont want this feeling to be marred by some stupid mistake. looking for the perfect moment, the perfect memory.
okay. the exterior rage is all gone. washed away by a wave of exhaustion that just swept over me. my head feels heavy, my joints weak. i just want to sleep. but theres a simmering frustration within that keeps my eyes at the screen, my fingers on the keyboard. just can't stop writing. i'll pull myself away at 1. because thats the bare minimum if i want to stay awake tomorrow. i'm such a fool. why am i so affected by all this. i wish i could pull away, detach self from everything.
but doing all that would lessen the joy that i would feel. so ironic, but true that to experience joy, one must go through all this crap. all the stupid lows of life, all the irritations, problems, frustrations that life throws at you. is it worth it? sometimes when the end isnt even in sight, i get so confused. i don't know what i want. whats my aim? what do i want to do? so many more questions. so little answers. all the while being battered by problems. they say what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. key word being: doesn't kill you. yeah its probably impossible for some little problems to literally steal your life away, but its really tiring and irritating to go through all this. no shortcut, no cheats, no hacks. 1 life is all you get. wth la. why is life like that. the words just keep coming, on and on and on. i wonder when i'll stop. i must stop myself at 1am. no questions asked. meanwhile, i really really want to get everything out of my system.
sometimes when i wake up and look through my eyes, i question my existence. why do i live here? whats my purpose? what exactly am i? whats my goal? whoa re all these people and how are they related? friends? enemies? what are these abstract concepts? do i exist? what else is out there? whats after this? what awaits me? how much more am i going to suffer? how much more am i going to enjoy this? will anything that's going to change my life happen in the next second, the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next year? whats going to happen to 'me'? how do you definine yourself, your identity? what is this name? what am i typing in? what do i speak? why do i speak? why does all this matter? why? why? why?
why?
i really really hate swearing on my blog, because it reflects badly on you as a person, and tends to show a nastier, meaner side of people. but i really need to get things off my chest, or i probably won't be able to sleep well tonight.
just in case you're reading this, i hope you know that i'm *at this current moment of time* fine with it. just pretty disappointed. just want to rant out all the negative stuff, thats all. hope it won't affect working relationships. don't want / need your sympathy or pity or whatever either. thanks.
seriously lar. can people just fkin be more serious. i really hate it when idiots go back on their word la. don't even give me fkin false hope can. I DONT NEED THAT. if its no, just bloody say no from the start. don't make trouble for me. don't make trouble for fkin anyone else. have you any idea how much fkin trouble and inconvenience you've caused because of your stupid fickleness.
fine la. i know everyone's got their troubles and all. i just loaned a sum of $60 from boey today. because i dont want to be a damn 败家子 who only knows how to spend when he can't earn. but what the hell. i will scrimp and fkin save every damn day until i can return him the money. because if lets say i made a mistake ordering the chouwei jacket for an extra 30 dollars, im going to damn well live with it, and figure out a solution. can you seriously be more considerate.
okay maybe im useless and all that and didnt convey the message properly. my fault. thats why im tanking all the stupid extra cost, because it was my damn fault that i bloody trusted you, without keeping my options open. i feel like a damn idiot now for not checking again and again and again. back to square one. i already had the conception that people cannot fkin be trusted. nobody can be trusted, not even yourself. because humans are literally full of damn flaws.
when i entered jc, i thought things changes. i thought i knew people i could trust. i became too trusting, in other words. there have been people who mentioned it to me before. like how i shouldn't be so trusting, so nice, so compliant. because i'd get hurt. then, i just smiled, laughed it off, and thought to myself that i knew better. that i should have faith. because really, nothing else lasts besides true, solid faith.
true enough, it was a matter of time before this illusioned was dispelled. not to say that it hasn't happened before, but i willingly chose to ignore it. thinking back, i realise how damn naive i was. blind trust doesn't take you anywhere. the one who gets hurt is you. period.
i really really hate to be a pessimist. because it makes you age faster, makes you look pissed, and ruins your life in general. but then, being so foolishly happy is folly. they say ignorance is bliss. all can be good and perfect in your world - if you wish it so. just take note, reality will come back and take a bite out of you in the end. i'd rather prevent, over cure. i don't like this at all. why must things be so messy. its all my damn fault for being so relaxed with everyone. i feel so frustrated with myself. why didnt i consider? why didnt i check? why didnt i...
the list goes on. because its all MY fkin fault that i was such a complete idiot for trusting everyone. its not my role to trust anymore. congratulations. 当头一棒. 终于敲醒了. i'm not the sort to 记仇. even though i was so damn pissed today in the evening, everything blew over in a few hours. usually, it takes minutes. but i think i've stated before. believe in forgiving, not forgetting. k maybe im being arrogant, being egocentric, being a complete bastard in general. FINE. i seriously don't give a damn anymore. maybe im a useless bum who has no ability. just fkin tell me and i'll do whatever it takes to get you what you want.
if you want to screw me up, go ahead. i'll just figure out a way to clean up your mess. but if you start affecting other people who are not relevant, i'll come down hard the next time. there better not be a second fking time. nobody likes being lied to. nobody likes being stabbed in the back. all i see are fkin excuses. i really would rather you just told me in the face NO. not give me damn false hope. i repeat, I DONT NEED IT. I DONT CARE FOR IT EITHER. just bloody hell make up your mind, and fkin move on. stop dragging others down. stop making others slog to clean up your mess. i really feel damn apologetic to some ppl. must throw all my messes to them for the to clean up, even though they are so damn stressed. its fkin my fault, and i can't do ANYTHING about it. screw this. screw them. i don't want to be irresponsible and leave these people in the lurch. because they are already trying all they can, giving it their all the give nothing but the best. screw this. i feel so useless.
okay die i can't get out of rant mode. i shall take a hot shower and sleep on it. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
so ironic. i can't wait for it to end, and yet i don't want it to end. stupid paradox. stupid human emotions.
... 本来以为冲完凉, 心就会平静下来, 我就可以好好睡，好好养病. as usual, im almost (was sick this morning) again la. and i need more sleep if i want to survive these few days, barring starting to take caffeine tablets non-stop frm tmr onwards.
但是，越想越一肚子火. die i dont think i can sleep well again tonight. i just hope my fever won't come back. so i will fkin sit here and rant more. meanwhile, i shall keep my email open to check for mails. will do this until 1am. just because i fkin feel like it.
hopefully this cranky feeling will fade by tomorrow. i don't like being a cranky person. people don't like cranky people. neither do i. but sometimes, that feeling just comes to stay, and i can't shake it no matter how hard i try.
是不是我不够魄力?不够能力?是，是，是. don't know anymore why im doing this. why im doing this. why im sacrificing so much. what the hell am i doing?
after the particularly disastrous 总彩 (一), there was a mini 检讨. of which, someone asked. i think it was jason. asked, why everyone was working so hard, was sacrificing so much. nobody had an answer, but me and alvin. it was simple, i thought. i did it because i wanted to. because i love everyone around me, and i want to help. thats why i do it.
that belief has been shaken to the core. which also brings about a terrifying prospect: what if i don't want to work for everyone anymore? i've lost almost all faith in human nature. really. honestly. there wasn't much to begin with, to be frank. but there's really almost an intangible amount now. just serves to reinforce my belief that humans are dogs. myself included. 不打，不骂， and they don't go anywhere. but at least you can trust dogs. as the saying goes, even a dog won't bite the hand that feeds it. dogs don't stab each other. they don't commit genocide. they work hard when ordered to. even to the point of exhaustion, not fatigue, when required. such are animals. simple, innocent creatures.
different from humans. scheming, devious, creatures to say the least. on a normal day, i could probably think of a billion other great things to say about people in general. today, 说不出口. 真的. hate this flawed existence. and to think i was actually enjoying listening about the photoelectric effect today in physics tutorial even. chatting happily with everyone around me. being grateful to my mother for understanding when i said i didn't feel well, letting me sleep in another few hours to rest up. all that, gone. can only think of all the stupid things that have happened today.
research has shown that nothing sticks in the mind more than bad luck, obstacles, and failures. of which, i have no doubt. how everyone takes the good for granted. you can hardly fault people for being cautious and cunning. when all they want is to be the one on top, the one not hurting. people usually dont intend to hurt others. but more often than not, they do, to prevent harming themselves. stupid vicious cycle. ranted so much already, and it feels as if theres so much more to say. i can feel the fatigue in my bones. and yet my mind is in overdrive. because i feel so frustrated, feel that there is such a massive necessity to throw out, thrash out every single bit, every little ounce of rage over the last month, or even year. i want to get all this negative stuff out behind me, and go down to VT and have fun with everyone. because it'll probably be the last time i'm ever going to feel this way. ever going to truly enjoy myself, ever going to really bask in companionship. i dont want this feeling to be marred by some stupid mistake. looking for the perfect moment, the perfect memory.
okay. the exterior rage is all gone. washed away by a wave of exhaustion that just swept over me. my head feels heavy, my joints weak. i just want to sleep. but theres a simmering frustration within that keeps my eyes at the screen, my fingers on the keyboard. just can't stop writing. i'll pull myself away at 1. because thats the bare minimum if i want to stay awake tomorrow. i'm such a fool. why am i so affected by all this. i wish i could pull away, detach self from everything.
but doing all that would lessen the joy that i would feel. so ironic, but true that to experience joy, one must go through all this crap. all the stupid lows of life, all the irritations, problems, frustrations that life throws at you. is it worth it? sometimes when the end isnt even in sight, i get so confused. i don't know what i want. whats my aim? what do i want to do? so many more questions. so little answers. all the while being battered by problems. they say what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. key word being: doesn't kill you. yeah its probably impossible for some little problems to literally steal your life away, but its really tiring and irritating to go through all this. no shortcut, no cheats, no hacks. 1 life is all you get. wth la. why is life like that. the words just keep coming, on and on and on. i wonder when i'll stop. i must stop myself at 1am. no questions asked. meanwhile, i really really want to get everything out of my system.
sometimes when i wake up and look through my eyes, i question my existence. why do i live here? whats my purpose? what exactly am i? whats my goal? whoa re all these people and how are they related? friends? enemies? what are these abstract concepts? do i exist? what else is out there? whats after this? what awaits me? how much more am i going to suffer? how much more am i going to enjoy this? will anything that's going to change my life happen in the next second, the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next year? whats going to happen to 'me'? how do you definine yourself, your identity? what is this name? what am i typing in? what do i speak? why do i speak? why does all this matter? why? why? why?
why?
Sunday, April 19, 2009
白痴啦。都不知道自己怕什么。
seriously lor >.< 可能玩火烧伤太多了。明知道 sooner or later 会被烧到, still go play -.- maybe im retarded or something.
但是宁可被烧到也要看到火花。
my mum noticed today that i have sleepy-looking eyes. really meh. i thought i look high lor.
then again, really quite tired today. esp. with the fan blowing straight into my eyes. zzz. 不知道啦。damn sian now -.-
but cannot sleep... still got so much stuff to do. arrhghgh. but at least my wireless is fixed. so much for working with a 1m long lan cable >.<
最后的冲刺! i just hope that there will be something more to look forward to after 黄城. im a shortsighted (figuratively and literally) guy. ._.
seriously lor >.< 可能玩火烧伤太多了。明知道 sooner or later 会被烧到, still go play -.- maybe im retarded or something.
但是宁可被烧到也要看到火花。
my mum noticed today that i have sleepy-looking eyes. really meh. i thought i look high lor.
then again, really quite tired today. esp. with the fan blowing straight into my eyes. zzz. 不知道啦。damn sian now -.-
but cannot sleep... still got so much stuff to do. arrhghgh. but at least my wireless is fixed. so much for working with a 1m long lan cable >.<
最后的冲刺! i just hope that there will be something more to look forward to after 黄城. im a shortsighted (figuratively and literally) guy. ._.
Friday, April 17, 2009
stupid mio program thingy. now i have no wireless at home ):
so dumb! then i cannot use my laptop without a lan cable D:
sian diaoz. checking stuff has never been so inconvenient. arrgh.
now i must do everything in sch.
WOOHOOOO ZONG CAI II TMR :D:D:D
after that is monday.
then tuesday.
THEN BUMP IN. WHAHAHHAHA.
*is high-blogging from his 排戏地点* pro rite? XD
so dumb! then i cannot use my laptop without a lan cable D:
sian diaoz. checking stuff has never been so inconvenient. arrgh.
now i must do everything in sch.
WOOHOOOO ZONG CAI II TMR :D:D:D
after that is monday.
then tuesday.
THEN BUMP IN. WHAHAHHAHA.
*is high-blogging from his 排戏地点* pro rite? XD
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
wah damn tired. i shall shower and go to sleep now. tired!!
on a side note today, almost got pwnt by yangwz today. please la. abit distract me when im calling him can?
"yang we.... 杨老师，你会不会过来?"
seriously la. didnt occur to me to convert to 杨文仲老师 at the time. so stopped halfway very awkwardly. zzz.
oh and my csc ranking went down by 8 :) that means i improved! wooooohooo.
other than that and GP, totally phail block test I la >.<
nvm. i will get A for the next one. definitely.
but even if get A, probably still have to check into tekong holiday resort 2 mths early -.-||
if dunnid, i will treat everyone to a drink.
on a side note today, almost got pwnt by yangwz today. please la. abit distract me when im calling him can?
"yang we.... 杨老师，你会不会过来?"
seriously la. didnt occur to me to convert to 杨文仲老师 at the time. so stopped halfway very awkwardly. zzz.
oh and my csc ranking went down by 8 :) that means i improved! wooooohooo.
other than that and GP, totally phail block test I la >.<
nvm. i will get A for the next one. definitely.
but even if get A, probably still have to check into tekong holiday resort 2 mths early -.-||
if dunnid, i will treat everyone to a drink.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
sian cannot write finish my 报章报道! cannot find any good articles to write on.
time to enter panic mode. dun blog liao xD
time to enter panic mode. dun blog liao xD
Saturday, April 11, 2009
dunno la. maybe im a sucker for punishment and pain in general.
明知道放不下
明知道会被伤
明知道不可能
却这样走下去
可能我笨
可能我傻
但是我知道
这是我要的
当一切即将化为灰烬的时候
我想到的
只有你
where 你 refers to you. and anyone, everyone else who reads this.
不懂啦. dont know why everyone keeps talking about searching for purpose, for meaning, for whatever.
真的. 我这么想是有原因的. 东西...不一定要复杂. 为什么不能是简单的？简单..不好吗？
也许我是错的. 我常常错. 但是，至少我知道我在走我的路，
我在走我要的路.
而这样，就足够了.
你呢？
okay. should not write any more emo stuff. since its 12:02 am. a new day has begun!
i shall write about mundane stuff to lighten the mood.
firstly: found my headphones! wooohooooo! made my day early in the morning :)
and i realised that lolipops are SCAM. welfare rm ftw please. no cola flavour in a 3.30 pack of 10 lollies. wth seriously. i will buy more from council. expect more business from a certain individual (me)! because i know i still owe some people lolipops :D
and thats about it for the day. really. got alot of other emo, introspective stuff that i will file away.
for the pHd post due in a couple of weeks. meanwhile, its time to get irrational and insane. things have to be done! YEAH.
i will probably never be this close to anyone again. lack of a common topic = no conversation.
= no renewing of relationships
= expiration
= gg
yeah simple equation. reminiscing about the past can only take you so far. seriously. 很快就会各走各的.
not to say that i'm not hoping for a miracle to happen.
but miracles don't happen without work. and i don't know where to start. i'm too afraid to start. 不要再失去了 please.
then again, its back to the old question.
到底是要曾经拥有，曾经痛过？
还是隔离自己，封闭自己，保护自己呢？
think the choice should be obvious.
但是，你愿意吗？
明知道放不下
明知道会被伤
明知道不可能
却这样走下去
可能我笨
可能我傻
但是我知道
这是我要的
当一切即将化为灰烬的时候
我想到的
只有你
where 你 refers to you. and anyone, everyone else who reads this.
不懂啦. dont know why everyone keeps talking about searching for purpose, for meaning, for whatever.
真的. 我这么想是有原因的. 东西...不一定要复杂. 为什么不能是简单的？简单..不好吗？
也许我是错的. 我常常错. 但是，至少我知道我在走我的路，
我在走我要的路.
而这样，就足够了.
你呢？
okay. should not write any more emo stuff. since its 12:02 am. a new day has begun!
i shall write about mundane stuff to lighten the mood.
firstly: found my headphones! wooohooooo! made my day early in the morning :)
and i realised that lolipops are SCAM. welfare rm ftw please. no cola flavour in a 3.30 pack of 10 lollies. wth seriously. i will buy more from council. expect more business from a certain individual (me)! because i know i still owe some people lolipops :D
and thats about it for the day. really. got alot of other emo, introspective stuff that i will file away.
for the pHd post due in a couple of weeks. meanwhile, its time to get irrational and insane. things have to be done! YEAH.
i will probably never be this close to anyone again. lack of a common topic = no conversation.
= no renewing of relationships
= expiration
= gg
yeah simple equation. reminiscing about the past can only take you so far. seriously. 很快就会各走各的.
not to say that i'm not hoping for a miracle to happen.
but miracles don't happen without work. and i don't know where to start. i'm too afraid to start. 不要再失去了 please.
then again, its back to the old question.
到底是要曾经拥有，曾经痛过？
还是隔离自己，封闭自己，保护自己呢？
think the choice should be obvious.
但是，你愿意吗？
Friday, April 10, 2009
enjoying the good friday break :)
managed to sleep until 11 before forcefully extricated from bedroom. damn.
in any case, feel much much much better already :) and all ready for 总彩 tmr. and that reminds me, i need to write my update email...
later. 做事不能半途而废. shall write finish first.
did nothing today. which is not really what i wanted. things originally intended to achieve:
1. enter zongcai timetable into phone alarm (O)
2. do some studying (X)
3. replace ez-link card (X) -> didnt help that it rained as i was about to
summon the will to go out.
oh well. at least i achieved the primary objective of taking a good break. i should be able to tank through huangcheng now :) now that my sleep bank is full.
will probably need replenishment occasionally during lectures and tutorials though. but i'll see what i can do about that.
have run out of lolipops too. if anyone is heading down to coro (who is not a daodu or yanyuan), give me a call. i want. no need a bag of lolipops :D
haha i kinda blew my day away :( without doing much constructive stuff.
other than learning my headphones aren't with me (probably left it in school, i hope someone i know helped me keep it) and that my laptop can pass electricity through a metal grille which i use to ventilate it.
and this electricity shocks me whenever i touch the grille.
zzz. okay will write my email at 2000hrs.
gg liao. sianz waste alot of time alrdy. damn tired. i think i want to go to sleep soon. that's something productive :)
set. i will sleep early tonight :D you should too. kekeke.
managed to sleep until 11 before forcefully extricated from bedroom. damn.
in any case, feel much much much better already :) and all ready for 总彩 tmr. and that reminds me, i need to write my update email...
later. 做事不能半途而废. shall write finish first.
did nothing today. which is not really what i wanted. things originally intended to achieve:
1. enter zongcai timetable into phone alarm (O)
2. do some studying (X)
3. replace ez-link card (X) -> didnt help that it rained as i was about to
summon the will to go out.
oh well. at least i achieved the primary objective of taking a good break. i should be able to tank through huangcheng now :) now that my sleep bank is full.
will probably need replenishment occasionally during lectures and tutorials though. but i'll see what i can do about that.
have run out of lolipops too. if anyone is heading down to coro (who is not a daodu or yanyuan), give me a call. i want. no need a bag of lolipops :D
haha i kinda blew my day away :( without doing much constructive stuff.
other than learning my headphones aren't with me (probably left it in school, i hope someone i know helped me keep it) and that my laptop can pass electricity through a metal grille which i use to ventilate it.
and this electricity shocks me whenever i touch the grille.
zzz. okay will write my email at 2000hrs.
gg liao. sianz waste alot of time alrdy. damn tired. i think i want to go to sleep soon. that's something productive :)
set. i will sleep early tonight :D you should too. kekeke.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
mmm i notice my number of posts here have surpassed my class blog. not too good considering my sporadic blogging habits recently. assuming the course of 5 months or so is 'recent'.
laptop kena virus again. i still rmb i just scanned it through csc, through huangcheng a few days ago (which is an impressive 5++ hours). still got virus! somemore got infected again. must update my anti-virus.
though i doubt it'll be of use. didnt even give a peep when i inserted an infected thumbdrive inside. unless its so zai that it can block without telling me >.<
tmr is GOOD FRIDAY. you have no idea how happy i am now. can sleep LATE!! WOOHOO! (is high)
then must activate ez-link card, must collate jacket and shirt sizes, must....
....
sian la! haha. i predict my expenditure for the month of april-may will be above $150.. =.=
jacket x2: > $80
shirts x2: > $20
class tee : $2 :D
stj: unknown. probably above $30 though.
whatever la. confirm spend alot of $. uncomfortable with spending money when it isn't mine. grr.
oh the moon is full tonight! (before it started raining) i like full moons :)
and hot showers. especially when the weather is cold (like tonight)
okayy! go to sleep.cannot waste precious sleep time. night all :)
dun have the luxury of waking up at 1pm unlike some ppl -.-|| will get grounded lor. zzz.
laptop kena virus again. i still rmb i just scanned it through csc, through huangcheng a few days ago (which is an impressive 5++ hours). still got virus! somemore got infected again. must update my anti-virus.
though i doubt it'll be of use. didnt even give a peep when i inserted an infected thumbdrive inside. unless its so zai that it can block without telling me >.<
tmr is GOOD FRIDAY. you have no idea how happy i am now. can sleep LATE!! WOOHOO! (is high)
then must activate ez-link card, must collate jacket and shirt sizes, must....
....
sian la! haha. i predict my expenditure for the month of april-may will be above $150.. =.=
jacket x2: > $80
shirts x2: > $20
class tee : $2 :D
stj: unknown. probably above $30 though.
whatever la. confirm spend alot of $. uncomfortable with spending money when it isn't mine. grr.
oh the moon is full tonight! (before it started raining) i like full moons :)
and hot showers. especially when the weather is cold (like tonight)
okayy! go to sleep.cannot waste precious sleep time. night all :)
dun have the luxury of waking up at 1pm unlike some ppl -.-|| will get grounded lor. zzz.
Monday, April 6, 2009
whoo going to take a hot shower! love hot showers :)
in order to prepare for it, i've left the heater on for 1/2 an hour already :D i like showering in 50 degree water. at least i think its 50. hotter than my laptop at times i think.
bt i always finish all of it ): it just seems never enough. i think i could shower for a few hours if i had the hot water to last la!
which is what i did the last time i went to a hot spring (in korea). wah imba shuang. could have relaxed there all day.
until i die of dehydration.
anyway, faster post finish this entry, then finish my update email, go shower, check for new manga, then go to sleep. end of monday.
oh oh and sian la! my laptop is infected with some stupid virus because of cheryl's thumbrive. first got that 'hacked by moozilla' crap, now this?! laptop -> virus magnet sia. cheryl (and the world in general) should take more care of their thumbdrives. or better still, dun use thumbdrives. please.
or at least make sure they're safe before throwing them into a computer.
sian theres only 20 days (less actually because of sundays and good friday) of huangcheng left!! omg im going to miss everyone so much.
cannot enter pHd mode now. cannot. still got alot to do. must stay high. must stay happy. must keep motivating people (and giving out lollipops).
even though there's this nagging feeling that this time is coming to an end, i've got to part with everyone soon. whyyy?!?!
looking back, i rmb there were alot of things i wanted to last forever.
like camps, holidays, (most notably the trip to korea), and the like. but i guess that was because i couldn't see beyond the pain of losing everyone. after moving past all these things, i've got to know all the great people in huangcheng, in jc. things would have been very different if i got my way and stayed in that moment forever.
even so, it doesn't make letting go any easier. i don't want to let go ):
in the past i was quite a loner. now still am, at heart, partially. still not very good with the spoken word. i stutter and get nervous and turn red and all that when i'm taling to > 5 people at one go. i'm not a born speaker. really!
so i'm really grateful to have more people i can call friends now. you have no idea how much it means to me. life wouldn't be the same, wouldn't be worth living without everyone. no words can express my thanks. kinda left speechless. i shouldn't have got myself into this position.
okay cannot emo. high! HIGH! will write finish and take a hot shower. dun think so much.
thinking is painful. 我只想要简简单单的快乐。有时候，快乐可能完全看不到。
但是，有时候，快乐也可以很简单。
in order to prepare for it, i've left the heater on for 1/2 an hour already :D i like showering in 50 degree water. at least i think its 50. hotter than my laptop at times i think.
bt i always finish all of it ): it just seems never enough. i think i could shower for a few hours if i had the hot water to last la!
which is what i did the last time i went to a hot spring (in korea). wah imba shuang. could have relaxed there all day.
until i die of dehydration.
anyway, faster post finish this entry, then finish my update email, go shower, check for new manga, then go to sleep. end of monday.
oh oh and sian la! my laptop is infected with some stupid virus because of cheryl's thumbrive. first got that 'hacked by moozilla' crap, now this?! laptop -> virus magnet sia. cheryl (and the world in general) should take more care of their thumbdrives. or better still, dun use thumbdrives. please.
or at least make sure they're safe before throwing them into a computer.
sian theres only 20 days (less actually because of sundays and good friday) of huangcheng left!! omg im going to miss everyone so much.
cannot enter pHd mode now. cannot. still got alot to do. must stay high. must stay happy. must keep motivating people (and giving out lollipops).
even though there's this nagging feeling that this time is coming to an end, i've got to part with everyone soon. whyyy?!?!
looking back, i rmb there were alot of things i wanted to last forever.
like camps, holidays, (most notably the trip to korea), and the like. but i guess that was because i couldn't see beyond the pain of losing everyone. after moving past all these things, i've got to know all the great people in huangcheng, in jc. things would have been very different if i got my way and stayed in that moment forever.
even so, it doesn't make letting go any easier. i don't want to let go ):
in the past i was quite a loner. now still am, at heart, partially. still not very good with the spoken word. i stutter and get nervous and turn red and all that when i'm taling to > 5 people at one go. i'm not a born speaker. really!
so i'm really grateful to have more people i can call friends now. you have no idea how much it means to me. life wouldn't be the same, wouldn't be worth living without everyone. no words can express my thanks. kinda left speechless. i shouldn't have got myself into this position.
okay cannot emo. high! HIGH! will write finish and take a hot shower. dun think so much.
thinking is painful. 我只想要简简单单的快乐。有时候，快乐可能完全看不到。
但是，有时候，快乐也可以很简单。
Sunday, April 5, 2009
gg starting to sniffle again. better spam medication before things get worse.
and considering the week (and the nxt, and the one after that) ahead, there's going to be no time to rest.
or to activate my new ez-link card, for that matter. but at least it's a start. perhaps i'll take leave on of the days i get off lessons early to get my ez-link card reactivated. life is inconvenient without it :(
not to mention i've gotten ripped by two bus drivers demanding that i pay adult fare. but cannot punch them right? :) our bus captains deserve to work in a SAFE environment after all. so, i shall be a civic minded citizen and restrain myself.
for the time being. for heaven's sake, im wearing my school uniform. very hard see i'm a student meh? the next time someone tries that, i'm getting off the bus. irritating leh.
lagging behind quite badly for physics and chemistry. and OMG my csc has gotten the highest out of all my subjects this term. which isn't exactly comforting.
in fact, its very disturbing. alright. mug time after 黄城. i swear. really.
trying hard to enjoy working with everyone before this time comes to an end. :(
i think its a sad truth that nothing, if not maintained, lasts forever. including interpersonal relationships and friendships.
everything fades with time. i'm undecided on whether this is a good or bad thing. on one hand, a saying goes 旧的不去，新的不来. things would be very very messy and complicated if everything just hangs around. therefore, only when something is maintained constantly (which indicates its importance), it stays around. otherwise, it just gets trashed.
unfortunately, i'm a hoarder at heart. i don't want to lose anything, anyone. everything that i can possibly keep, i do. i just find it hard to let go. really. especially for things that matter to me. its almost impossible to release without some drastic measures (and pain).
....
actually i still want to talk more about this, but i think its too depressing already. sigh. must try to focus on the good things, treasure the remaining time i have.
it could be that its rainy today. a day for emo-ing. :(
lets hope the sun shines tomorrow.
and considering the week (and the nxt, and the one after that) ahead, there's going to be no time to rest.
or to activate my new ez-link card, for that matter. but at least it's a start. perhaps i'll take leave on of the days i get off lessons early to get my ez-link card reactivated. life is inconvenient without it :(
not to mention i've gotten ripped by two bus drivers demanding that i pay adult fare. but cannot punch them right? :) our bus captains deserve to work in a SAFE environment after all. so, i shall be a civic minded citizen and restrain myself.
for the time being. for heaven's sake, im wearing my school uniform. very hard see i'm a student meh? the next time someone tries that, i'm getting off the bus. irritating leh.
lagging behind quite badly for physics and chemistry. and OMG my csc has gotten the highest out of all my subjects this term. which isn't exactly comforting.
in fact, its very disturbing. alright. mug time after 黄城. i swear. really.
trying hard to enjoy working with everyone before this time comes to an end. :(
i think its a sad truth that nothing, if not maintained, lasts forever. including interpersonal relationships and friendships.
everything fades with time. i'm undecided on whether this is a good or bad thing. on one hand, a saying goes 旧的不去，新的不来. things would be very very messy and complicated if everything just hangs around. therefore, only when something is maintained constantly (which indicates its importance), it stays around. otherwise, it just gets trashed.
unfortunately, i'm a hoarder at heart. i don't want to lose anything, anyone. everything that i can possibly keep, i do. i just find it hard to let go. really. especially for things that matter to me. its almost impossible to release without some drastic measures (and pain).
....
actually i still want to talk more about this, but i think its too depressing already. sigh. must try to focus on the good things, treasure the remaining time i have.
it could be that its rainy today. a day for emo-ing. :(
lets hope the sun shines tomorrow.
Friday, April 3, 2009
sian still need to 抄剧本. gg. no time already la!
shall request for deferment. (sounds like ns rite >.<)
meanwhile, i shall get more urgent stuff done. like how my full run and 连排 are gonna run. GL ALL :)
shall request for deferment. (sounds like ns rite >.<)
meanwhile, i shall get more urgent stuff done. like how my full run and 连排 are gonna run. GL ALL :)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
k i too free i shall go blog. later stagnate until i dun wan go back then gg alrdy. i dun wan copy 剧本 yet. later la. keep for tmr. today i shall sleep at 12. what a noble goal.
zz tmr recce VT again. shall borrow someone's bus pass :)
and WHOO NEW EZ-LINK TMR. dunnid go down to the wadeva ticket place to replace :) save me all the trouble of moving around and paying cash and all that. oh wait. still havent cancelled the library portion. the idiot who picked up my card better not borrow any books. or i'll kill him/her.
wah sian im damn screwed this term la. i failed alot of subjects, and im not afraid to say it! because i'm seriously going to get mugging after 黄城. watch out monsters! i'll get you all!
oh and mrs tam owes me a meal :D i guess its worth failing a math test to get that xD
nvm. i will prevail with sheer willpower. i resolve to reach the top few in s63. which means the top few in the cohort. MIRACLES CAN HAPPEN! and i can work for it.
walao but then all the hype is for nothing la. i better not nua again after hc >.< like last year. otherwise im cnfm screwed. like what mr yeow said. future kaboosh! haha. scared me the first time he said it. so sudden. lol.
okay lar i write 2 more lines, go shower, check if i need send anymore emails. no tutorials for me tonight. tmr i mug at class bench. zzz.
then got vt recce. abit arh. why can't it be on friday... then i can be excused from 2 1/2 hrs of lessons.
oh and im sick again. SERIOUSLY LAR. i just got better. then i suddenly start sniffling. wthwthwthwth! i dun wan sick liao leh! unless i make some ppl share the pain :D
shall go poison the air tmr. hehe.
zz tmr recce VT again. shall borrow someone's bus pass :)
and WHOO NEW EZ-LINK TMR. dunnid go down to the wadeva ticket place to replace :) save me all the trouble of moving around and paying cash and all that. oh wait. still havent cancelled the library portion. the idiot who picked up my card better not borrow any books. or i'll kill him/her.
wah sian im damn screwed this term la. i failed alot of subjects, and im not afraid to say it! because i'm seriously going to get mugging after 黄城. watch out monsters! i'll get you all!
oh and mrs tam owes me a meal :D i guess its worth failing a math test to get that xD
nvm. i will prevail with sheer willpower. i resolve to reach the top few in s63. which means the top few in the cohort. MIRACLES CAN HAPPEN! and i can work for it.
walao but then all the hype is for nothing la. i better not nua again after hc >.< like last year. otherwise im cnfm screwed. like what mr yeow said. future kaboosh! haha. scared me the first time he said it. so sudden. lol.
okay lar i write 2 more lines, go shower, check if i need send anymore emails. no tutorials for me tonight. tmr i mug at class bench. zzz.
then got vt recce. abit arh. why can't it be on friday... then i can be excused from 2 1/2 hrs of lessons.
oh and im sick again. SERIOUSLY LAR. i just got better. then i suddenly start sniffling. wthwthwthwth! i dun wan sick liao leh! unless i make some ppl share the pain :D
shall go poison the air tmr. hehe.