heh i don't know why, i just want to say sorry.

sorry for all the stuff i did wrong, knowingly or not. as well as what may come.

i don't know, its better to be honest right. so i will.

personally, back in high school, i never really did sell any tickets for drama productions. hardly. not because i didn't feel any pride in the productions then. i still think we did our best. in fact, im still really proud, for the sellout army daze, and the not-so-sellout lets stop at four, furthest north deepest south etc.

but then, in jc. huangcheng was like. BUY TICKETS. with 2 morning announcements ++ to promote. in order to guarantee the 200+ ppl working had an audience to perform to at victoria theatre. in high school, drama was like what. 60 ppl at max? but we still put up a good show. i hope.

then my entire class (i think) bought tix for huangcheng and went down. to watch the show, to support classmates, there may or may not be more reasons. but the fact is, they went down. but then, as the other performing groups (not sure if this category name is accurate) started promoting their concerts, alot less people go for it. less prestigious? perhaps. but then again, not really. less people? true, but it doesn't seem to justify anything. less aggro promoting? huangcheng didnt force tickets on me. but i know that some groups give their members a certain quota to sell. back in high school, performances were limited pretty much to art lovers. not many people would like go down to support their classmates like in jc. must be the different environment?

i would do my sounds as per normal, perhaps see a few familiar faces in the crowd. still got high with drama members. same for huangcheng. but i don't know, i didn't experience the pressure of selling tickets, especially where money is concerned. i know its a pretty sensitive topic to quite a few. perhaps a primary cause of unwillingness? or reluctance. i guess its a matter of preference to what stuff you like. personally, i like going for arts -- drama like stuff. usually. or dance. cos they interest me. music doesn't really interest me: other than perhaps singing. maybe because i have no musical background, talent? perhaps. but i don't want people to be hurt. 'cause i probably was, way back in lower sec. guess it numbed me, but i don't remember what it felt like anymore.

quite in a dilemma. caught between not wanting to hurt others. 'cause i know about all the effort these groups slave and slog in order for that night. i rmb my drama teacher telling us to put up a good show. one of the reasons he gave would have been the pain one feels, on stage or not, when you hear the 'click-click' of seats closing. people leaving. because they seriously can't stand watching any further. someone who doesn't want to watch your hard work over weeks, months? inevitably going to be very, very, very painful.

thats why. not that im so ego that i believe that no performance can go on without me - i just feel guilty for not being able to go down to support. and the only reason i can give is not my preference. hope you can give me your understanding: i'll be cheering all of you on from the sidelines. and just because i'm doing so doesn't mean i don't love you all any less as friends. hehe. so stay happy, do your best, and bring the house down!

wow such a long post alrdy. i think i'll leave everything else for tmr. there's so much more i wanna say. but theres a lack of time, a lack of motivation to put everything down. this blog was made for 2 reasons mainly. 1 to get people who read this to understand me better, that yiren's life is not all about fun and games (though usually it may appear so) and 2. i want to look back one day and see what my younger self was thinking, to experience it all again. since i can't go back in time, this is the best i can do ro remember the past. i don't want it to get covered with the dust of time, i want to keep my friendships renewed, my jc and high school life bonded with whatever life i'm having in future. i want to keep knowing all the wonderful people i've met. i don't want to lose you all to time. hence this blog.

heh. time to go.