what if...

you wake up one day to find you're not you?
that the people you 'knew' are
hallucinations?
non-existent?
a figment of your imagination?
reality..isn't real?

what would you do?

terrifying isn't it? the prospect that everything you know, trust, love, believe in might not be real. that you're just having a dream. and you'll be thrown into the complete unknown once you wake up.

we're afraid of loss and the unknown. because everyone wants to feel companionship, friends. we're afraid of the unknown because we'll lose that fragile grip on reality now. where everthing is different, and wrong. because it isn't what we know, what we're familiar with. and we're scared of that.

what if your 'friend' is actually an 'invisible friend' that no-one can see. or that your boss is a non-existent entity? that fear scares me much more than any horror flick.

what if the world...simply doesn't exist? that we're all living in the dream of some vast sleeping being? simply put, we are afraid of the chaos. that's why we have routines, habits, something familiar which we can fall back on when everything starts going wrong. but once these habits, routines cease to function, we have a feeling of loss, a loss of direction. what then?

normally we create new routines, new habits to fill in the loss. so that we can get on with our lives, by following the strict rules and guidelines, so that we don't fall into chaos, don't lose ourselves, don't lose our identities.

that's because we're unique. just like everyone else.

there's a need to stand out, be different, to feel alive. to feel that you're able to distinguish yourself from the rest of the crowd. different, and yet so similar. only then can we consider ourselves as unique, a unique identity amidst the chaos. we want to be different.

okay that was just some random thoughts. doesn't apply to everyone. but well it applies to at least one person. that's me. haha.

now i feel better, can lighten up the mood a little. chemistry test! (haha is this considered lightening the mood?) and CSC + math test! hehehe.

need to study. i dont understand ideal gases at all. DONT WANT TO FAIL ANOTHER TEST :\

not to mention csc. guess i'll flip through on monday and tuesday. bleh since when did smoking didnt get through an IHC - like subject. guess the difference here is that csc is quantity over quality. of course both are preferred...but well i'm only human. haha.

i told myself that i'll relax ytd. nite and work hard in the morning before going for csc talk. but i just drifted over and started gaming. apparently i don't have as tight a rein on myself as i would prefer.

damn. i wish i could have a tight hold over myself. but old habits die hard, and i can't seem to think rationally. then again, if people could, the world wouldn't be so chaotic. but that doesn't mean i shouldn't try right? simply means i have to erase current habits and forge new ones.

sounds so easy. if only it were so, right? haha.

so afraid of losing everyone. haha but that always happens. can pick up, can't let go. just like a little kid. aww..

if humans were like computers...forever rational, forever rigid. what would the world be like? but then its precisely because humans are emotional, therefore this world is interesting. interesting. not necessarily a happy world, a good world. but interesting.

a long time ago. i read a newspaper article about some child genius in america committing suicide. (wait wait im not getting depression. never fear im not contemplateing suicide! for there'll be no-one around to make lectures and tutorials interesting! haha ego sia.) supposedly he did so because he was bored of this world. and the newspapers were writing about how he could have been the next einstein, the next great inventor to change human civilisation. but well. nevermind. just thought that perhaps it may be relevant. some food for though nevertheless.

yuck such a dire, serious, long post. oh wells. i'll now attempt to absorb some ideal gas information. and don't run away from me just because of this post. i'm still the same ok. talk to me more often! haha. chatting always makes my day. but then it leaves precious little for study... but im fine with that. hahaha.

whee~