i was thinking alot on the bus today. but its a pity that i can't take everything back to share with you D:

it just seems that my mind is programmed to think and forget. constantly churning out all those thoughts and ideas and reflections and other stuff that i think is rather interesting and would like to share. pity i can't enter whatever i think or write it down. otherwise there'd probably be insufficient trees in the world to satisfy me haha.

but anyway, of what i was thinking before:

i think at the beginning of blogs, people tend to be so thrown by the novelty that they proceed to re-introduce themselves. which i think reveals far more about a person than can be seen from their appearance. apparently i thought the phase for personal introduction is long over (especially when the start of the year seems eons ago) and everyone probably already knows me. thats assuming you didn't arrive here through an extremely lucky random typing sequence.

theres so much more i want to write. but its already 5, and im seriously lagging behind in everything. then again, im too shy to search for someone to talk to (hell yeah im actually really shy on the inside. when im alone. supposedly i look really emo like that :x )

selective amnesia. that's a psychological condition when someone, intentionally or not (more often galvanised by strong feelings within the subconscious) forgets, or at least almost forgets things that may have caused pain or emotional trauma.* hm i think that sometimes i find myself skipping ahead to think about the future. even though theres a ravine just inches (why not centimeters? inches just sounds better xD) away. and its only a few steps from a messy doom below.

halfway through that paragraph (at the *) i was really thinking about stopping. like wth what am i writing? apparently i think far too much about how im presenting myself. which is probably the right thing to do. its so ironic that i don't want to be pitied by people. i don't like sympathy. really. presence is enough. just being there already shows that you care. and thats all i need. what most people need actually. words aren't necessary.

i find things come out so much more easily when its just me and text. watching the letters move across the screen is so much easier than having to contend with people, especially when they aren't paying attention. that sinking feeling inside of being disregarded, even though you know (and it probably isn't) its not true. letters of the alphabet don't ignore you. they stay the same. and thats what makes blogging so comfortable, so easy. so reassuring. that someone is listening, that your words are taken into account. therefore, everything here is real and true. really reflects the inner side. or does it?

perhaps if it were a private diary kept under lock and key, i could probably spam all my hate and whatnot into it. cause no-one would probably ever read it. blogging is different. you blog to people. unless you lock your blog. and thus, all the troubles involved with dealing with humans come into play. fear for self image, fear of being despised, etc. haha im actually really insecure. but i try. we all do.

a probable reason why i like grinding (wiki it for the definition if necessary) so much, and RTS games (wiki that too if you don't know) is that its so easy to set a goal, a target. for example. i could say i want to reach level 30 by today. or complete 3 campaign missions. there. straightforward and simple. in life, you can't say "im going to become a master of simple harmonic motion today" or "im going to completely understand sequences and series by 8pm". life just doesn't work that way. there's so much chaos and random stuff thrown in that sometimes it just isn't possible to do anything at all (excuses excuses. but i think that its valid to some extent in some cases. isolated cases, i might add.)

more importantly, there's no reset button in this game. no "load from last saved point". no second chances. all the way! one chance is what everyone gets. makes me kinda conservative in a sense. because im so afraid of screwing up. of doing something wrong. that it leaves a permanent blemish that can't be removed. 跳进黄河洗也洗不清。i have to keep a close, tight rein on myself. yet there's so much that i want to do. its like facing a black metal plate. that somehow you just have to push. (wow see i even bolded it) however, when your hand goes close, you feel something like a heat draft. could it be a burning black plate? however, if you push it, you have to go all the way. once you touch it, you're committed till the end. like it or not, burnt or not, you have to make it to the end. and nobody knows what sort of damage, if any, you will take at the end of it.

its like when your feet leave the ground inexplicably. what do you do? on one hand, you'll probably be filled with excitement. yet, you're probably going to be impossibly afraid.

then again, its precisely this that keeps life interesting. for me that is.

sometimes the monotony of daily life is too much to bear. and such a post appears. ^^ don't take all of my dutch courage and false bravado to heart. i don't usually mean the bad things i say. usually. and i like to joke abit. to try and lighten up the mood, to try and make things more comfortable. though im not really afraid to say that its for my own benefit. i like it more when things are warm and friendly.

but i definitely am serious about everything else. and i mean what i say. i try. really.