shall make a short post before 8, and hence before i attempt (for the 5th time) question 9 from 11A >.< seriously sia im stuck. but anyway:

brief thoughts for the day. dr. ross mentioned disillusioned today. ah i find its definition fits the blog quite well ^^

considering that it really means that as one grows older and sees more of the world, one becomes more. realises more. that life just isnt as simple as it looks.

(off topic: omg i looked out of my window and its totally pitch black out there. yes its night but still... shouldn't there be streetlamps or something? >.<)

one breaks away from all the little dreams and fantasies that define childhood to so many. and start taking our true steps, as we really do learn how to 'walk', so to speak in the society where we will be spending the majority (well actually the entire remainder) of our lives. harsh reality burns away all those little things that used to bring joy. all the simple things no longer become interesting. there appears to be a craving for more. complicated stuff. more intellectual stuff. things that deviate from the pure and simple joy of being happy. it just gets harder with every pressing day.

all the stress and whatnot build up. and sometimes i cant help but think: what if i were to be born in some other world, an alternate dimension? where things aren't so routine, so ordered as my life today? where every day is something totally different, bordering on chaos?

by the way, i live my current life in an ordered fashion. rigidly following all the routines. which inevitably eat up alot of my time. finishing all the email checks, smb checks, etc etc. everything is in order. so neat. so tidy. makes me wonder if things might actually be better in that other world.

then again, the grass is always greener on the other side. its very sad that its only when we lose something then we learn to appreciate it more. by which time, it may already be too late to make amends.

living isn't a game at all. you can hack all you want, cheat all you want, reload from wherever you deem fit in games. even if you get so angry with the game.. you can just quit. uninstall it. get it out of your life altogether, and move on.

things aren't so here. one chance is all everyone gets, everyone starts at the same place at life.

not really actually. its kinda about the great dice roll when everyone enters this world. which determines all your attributes, all your mindsets, your skills, aptitudes, etc. essentially, everything. so i guess it we dont really start at the same place after all.

and no one can say for sure that we'll all end up in the same place. after all, no-one has come back to tell us what lies on the other sides of the veil yet, innit?

so we live our lives the way we have always done. and will continue to do so.. till. yeah. death is kinda sensitive. even when typing i still get this natural aversion towards typing that word. effect of 七月? perhaps. then again, it could be a natural sensitivity that everyone has. to a larger extent for some, to a smaller extent for others.

and suddenly, it comes to my attention that 20 minutes has sped by. the wind blowing through my window feels too frigid for my liking though. its stronger than the LEP rm aircon i believe. brr.

i wonder why we all struggle so hard. to push off the rest, to strive to the top. perhaps the air's cleaner, fresher up there? never know. perhaps i'll find out in future.

perhaps.