special morning post! hehe.

im feeling kinda lost and confused this morning. but this is not the time! im running out of options too fast. not enough time. must make better use of time now.

not a good time to lose focus. notes and goals can only go so far in making me focus. so far: i.e not enough.

i don't think i'll have time to post tmr. since i have chinese soc stuff from 12 until after maf. so i guess its got to be a sunday post then. then school starts again! feeling rather confused about whether i should anticipate school beginning. but for now im actually quite apprehensive. for some reason.

oh and to add on to my previous post, manga and anime are also another form of escape for me i suppose. from the unbearable monotony of life. where all i have is music. which i suppose is kinda like a short story. like how every song seems to bring something out? but in a matter of minutes.

to try somethig new. to break routines and do what one wants. that's a dream that can't possibly be true, can it? because there's actually so many more complications and paths that we all have to follow. to keep not only us, but our society functional. because reality is far more harsh than what can ever be expressed in novels, manga, serials. so much more that sometimes i fear that i might gegt lost in that false reality that seems so much more alluring, so much more perfect. when one gets too used to seeing beauty, could it actually be possible that it then becomes impossible to turn your eyes back onto the flawed jewel that is reality?

although it may be possible to try and focus on the whole, beautiful parts of that jewel, the only thing keeping you from falling back. from turning back to that perfect, false reality, is the fact that it cannot be sustained. every story has its end. every manga its dramatic conclusion. that forces you back to this world, closes the door, forces you out of the banquet. pine as you might to re-enter that room, the door is sealed. it could be as wall-like as the walls to the left and right of any door. because you can't get in anymore.

re-reading that book, that manga will never be the same. and so i suppose it is true that most things in life. the first time is in fact the only time. because the subsequent experiences will never be as thrilling as the first. just like a theme park ride. the first time you go down that roller coaster track, the first time that you go through that drop. subsequent experiences will never be the same.

disillusionment.

to disappoint or embitter by leaving without illusion.

to prove that all you've been living in is a fantasy, a figment of your imagination.

to shatter.

yiren: i didnt know when it really started. when everything started to matter more. when everything meant so much more. now what am i to do?