even eeshawn and weipin write their reflections in chinese ): pressure me sia. however, i insist in writing in english. okay maybe some chinese here and there. here i go!

its quite sad now to see my inbox sitting empty of useful emails (apart from the usual facebook spam). i don't really want to archive all 167 of my huangcheng emails sitting there ): somehow, it feels as if somehow, someday, something will appear if i just keep hoping. its just a sad reminder of what's already gone.

yeah fine. so maybe i teared a little during debrief of xiemu 3. but i guess its sorta in my job scope to keep things going and under control. i didn't really want to, but i threw my feelings aside and started working. could see people sniffling as they were clearing markings, moving out daojus. at the same time, there were people smiling, laughing all the way out of VT. i guess i was feeling rather emotionless at the time. too tired, too little time to think. had to get things going.

then followed the first monday without huangcheng. uneventful, since i spent about 21 hours of the day sleeping. when you don't think, you don't feel anything. not to mention i was probably close to a comatose state at the time. i don't think anything short of an air raid could have woken me at the slightest.

then came day 2. today. shenyang mentioned that she saw all the daoju (with the exception of the platforms: hey i knew they were indestructible!) being trashed in a big red dumpster. wandered by this afternoon to have a look, and saw some remnants of my hdb backdrops sticking out. naturally, filled with confusion again. not really sure about how or why i'm feeling this way. just want to sleep more. nua more. spend more time with my friends.

perhaps this is a sign of depression? didnt get a case of this so bad last year. perhaps its considering how time consuming huangcheng got, and how irreplacable it is in not just mine, but everyone's hearts. my term as an sm has come to an end, and my time even as a member will soon draw to a close. after which, i'll be relegated to the ranks of alumni over the last 28 years. give or take, its a couple of months, tops.

life has to go on, i know. time and tide wait for no man, as they say. i still have homework to do, a life to lead. i can't let myself be slowed down; especially not now. not during this crucial time. i must say, i can feel the fatigue all the way inside my bones, in my core. and i fear that no amount of sleep will make it go away. its as if the spirit has been sucked out, nothing left but an empty husk.

waiting for the spark to reignite the flame.

the year has been tiring and stressful for many. 4 months, and yet it seems both an eternity and an eyeblink has gone by. i still think that there's 协调 tmr, a full run on friday, and a 总彩 on saturday.

公演 doesnt seem to have happened yet.

perhaps im deluding myself, but i just don't want everything to end now. but i think i've mentioned before in a previous post right? life goes on. and i think that i've found something to look forward to. :) must learn to look forward to every day, like there was huangcheng the next day. though it was many, many late nights, i never really stopped looking forward to the next day's huangcheng, rehearsals, debriefs, everything.

ahaha i suppose it was worth sacrificing a bit of time to write this. though i still really feel drained at heart, the mood seems lighter. i trust everyone can get through this together (: because as what a certain teacher mentioned on SMB, we can make miracles! (omg i mentioned this too during final debrief right? pro is me!)

ash to ash, dust to dust. everything ends, fades away, some quicker, some slower. i doubt that anyone can truthfully promise to think about huangcheng non-stop. because there's so much more to look forward to in life. even if you can't see it now, please try. before it gets too late.

actually, it's never really too late to be enlightened. because its about living your life content, living your life the best you can. not living your life the way you want it, though you can try. i think the most important is to learn to be content.

huangcheng has shaped me mentally (and physically; whats with SM 守戒 =.=), and i think i've become a better person. well, a more informed one that is. a more experienced person. everyone has grown, and it gladdens me to see that everyone (i think and hope) felt that it was worth it placing that 3 months of blood, sweat, and tears into a production, along with everyone else. the memories will last. really.

i can't possibly thank everyone, nor do i want to. because some people deserve more accolade than others, and i'm hardly an impartial person. the next best alternative, naturally, would be to dedicate the following to everyone. less personalised, yes, but i feel that it comes from the heart. hopefully it'll make your day, and help you move on. quickly. because time is short, and your future is at stake. for your own sake, get moving!

huangcheng has been a tiring, but enjoyable experience for all. bringing out your best in front of 2712 people total: that's hardly a feat many can brag about. for J2s, its a grand total of 5424 people in JC. hopefully, you have touched, or changed, even in the smallest way possible, the lives of every single one of these individuals. you have helped shape them. and they, in turn, have helped shape you. along with all your group mates, huangcheng people who have always been by your side over the last 3 months. you cried, laughed, high-ed along with all of these people. and i feel that they, too have made their own little changes to you.

people aren't just individuals. they are individuals with the input of many, many other people. all of which shaping your character, your personality, your lives. no matter what has gone by, i'll always be thankful to you, who changed my life, and the lives of everyone around you. everybody is special in their own right, in their own way. thanks for being there. :)

when everyone heads down separate ways, it is fate, and the memories that bind. take a good look at these people, because this could very well be the last hours, days, months that you will be spending together. forever.

and yet, do not cry, because there will be others to take their place. which is why life becomes fulfilling, ever-changing, enriching. learn to let go, so that you can move on. as quoted from garfield: you only go through life once, so go for everything that you can get! love everyone, talk to everyone, live your life. they talk about the half empty or half full cup of water. seriously, it doesn't matter. because the glass is as full as you want it to be. everyone starts out with some water in their cup. some more, some less. how you fill up the rest is up to you.

i want to fill up my life with my friends, my work. my successes, my failures. my loves and my wants. in short, i want to fill my life with you.

i was always kinda a loner. don't really like mixing around with people much. because i don't really know how to communicate. not then, not now. but i'm learning. and huangcheng has given me friends i can count on, who i know would take a shot for me.

and i know, i would take a shot for them too.

i suppose i needed to type this because i needed a sort of closure. to the final page in this chapter. can't turn back time, can't relive old memories. because memories will never really become reality again. its sadly beautiful to watch these memories age, to fade, to disappear. like watching the last flake of snow evaporate silently in your hand.

at least you know that you'll see it again. someday, somewhere.

but for memories, we can only hope.

hope that we'll all meet again.
hope that fate will bring us together.
hope that everyone stays safe.
hope that feelings stay true.

even though we may still feel that dread of loss that gradually approaches, there's nothing we can do about it but to meet it head on. with everyone as support, we'll make it through: together. jiayou guys! life after huangcheng has to go on! keep living, keep hoping. we'll make a better tomorrow for us, for everyone :)

and hope, really, is all we need.