i was fkin pissed today in the evening, but i guess its blown over and the past is now behind me. i just feel more disillusioned with people in general. whatever. i want to rant now. but its not really nice, so you might want to skip ahead to a *hopefully* more cheerful part of this post.

i really really hate swearing on my blog, because it reflects badly on you as a person, and tends to show a nastier, meaner side of people. but i really need to get things off my chest, or i probably won't be able to sleep well tonight.

just in case you're reading this, i hope you know that i'm *at this current moment of time* fine with it. just pretty disappointed. just want to rant out all the negative stuff, thats all. hope it won't affect working relationships. don't want / need your sympathy or pity or whatever either. thanks.

seriously lar. can people just fkin be more serious. i really hate it when idiots go back on their word la. don't even give me fkin false hope can. I DONT NEED THAT. if its no, just bloody say no from the start. don't make trouble for me. don't make trouble for fkin anyone else. have you any idea how much fkin trouble and inconvenience you've caused because of your stupid fickleness.

fine la. i know everyone's got their troubles and all. i just loaned a sum of $60 from boey today. because i dont want to be a damn 败家子 who only knows how to spend when he can't earn. but what the hell. i will scrimp and fkin save every damn day until i can return him the money. because if lets say i made a mistake ordering the chouwei jacket for an extra 30 dollars, im going to damn well live with it, and figure out a solution. can you seriously be more considerate.

okay maybe im useless and all that and didnt convey the message properly. my fault. thats why im tanking all the stupid extra cost, because it was my damn fault that i bloody trusted you, without keeping my options open. i feel like a damn idiot now for not checking again and again and again. back to square one. i already had the conception that people cannot fkin be trusted. nobody can be trusted, not even yourself. because humans are literally full of damn flaws.

when i entered jc, i thought things changes. i thought i knew people i could trust. i became too trusting, in other words. there have been people who mentioned it to me before. like how i shouldn't be so trusting, so nice, so compliant. because i'd get hurt. then, i just smiled, laughed it off, and thought to myself that i knew better. that i should have faith. because really, nothing else lasts besides true, solid faith.

true enough, it was a matter of time before this illusioned was dispelled. not to say that it hasn't happened before, but i willingly chose to ignore it. thinking back, i realise how damn naive i was. blind trust doesn't take you anywhere. the one who gets hurt is you. period.

i really really hate to be a pessimist. because it makes you age faster, makes you look pissed, and ruins your life in general. but then, being so foolishly happy is folly. they say ignorance is bliss. all can be good and perfect in your world - if you wish it so. just take note, reality will come back and take a bite out of you in the end. i'd rather prevent, over cure. i don't like this at all. why must things be so messy. its all my damn fault for being so relaxed with everyone. i feel so frustrated with myself. why didnt i consider? why didnt i check? why didnt i...

the list goes on. because its all MY fkin fault that i was such a complete idiot for trusting everyone. its not my role to trust anymore. congratulations. 当头一棒. 终于敲醒了. i'm not the sort to 记仇. even though i was so damn pissed today in the evening, everything blew over in a few hours. usually, it takes minutes. but i think i've stated before. believe in forgiving, not forgetting. k maybe im being arrogant, being egocentric, being a complete bastard in general. FINE. i seriously don't give a damn anymore. maybe im a useless bum who has no ability. just fkin tell me and i'll do whatever it takes to get you what you want.

if you want to screw me up, go ahead. i'll just figure out a way to clean up your mess. but if you start affecting other people who are not relevant, i'll come down hard the next time. there better not be a second fking time. nobody likes being lied to. nobody likes being stabbed in the back. all i see are fkin excuses. i really would rather you just told me in the face NO. not give me damn false hope. i repeat, I DONT NEED IT. I DONT CARE FOR IT EITHER. just bloody hell make up your mind, and fkin move on. stop dragging others down. stop making others slog to clean up your mess. i really feel damn apologetic to some ppl. must throw all my messes to them for the to clean up, even though they are so damn stressed. its fkin my fault, and i can't do ANYTHING about it. screw this. screw them. i don't want to be irresponsible and leave these people in the lurch. because they are already trying all they can, giving it their all the give nothing but the best. screw this. i feel so useless.

okay die i can't get out of rant mode. i shall take a hot shower and sleep on it. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

so ironic. i can't wait for it to end, and yet i don't want it to end. stupid paradox. stupid human emotions.

... 本来以为冲完凉, 心就会平静下来, 我就可以好好睡，好好养病. as usual, im almost (was sick this morning) again la. and i need more sleep if i want to survive these few days, barring starting to take caffeine tablets non-stop frm tmr onwards.

但是，越想越一肚子火. die i dont think i can sleep well again tonight. i just hope my fever won't come back. so i will fkin sit here and rant more. meanwhile, i shall keep my email open to check for mails. will do this until 1am. just because i fkin feel like it.

hopefully this cranky feeling will fade by tomorrow. i don't like being a cranky person. people don't like cranky people. neither do i. but sometimes, that feeling just comes to stay, and i can't shake it no matter how hard i try.

是不是我不够魄力?不够能力?是，是，是. don't know anymore why im doing this. why im doing this. why im sacrificing so much. what the hell am i doing?

after the particularly disastrous 总彩 (一), there was a mini 检讨. of which, someone asked. i think it was jason. asked, why everyone was working so hard, was sacrificing so much. nobody had an answer, but me and alvin. it was simple, i thought. i did it because i wanted to. because i love everyone around me, and i want to help. thats why i do it.

that belief has been shaken to the core. which also brings about a terrifying prospect: what if i don't want to work for everyone anymore? i've lost almost all faith in human nature. really. honestly. there wasn't much to begin with, to be frank. but there's really almost an intangible amount now. just serves to reinforce my belief that humans are dogs. myself included. 不打，不骂， and they don't go anywhere. but at least you can trust dogs. as the saying goes, even a dog won't bite the hand that feeds it. dogs don't stab each other. they don't commit genocide. they work hard when ordered to. even to the point of exhaustion, not fatigue, when required. such are animals. simple, innocent creatures.

different from humans. scheming, devious, creatures to say the least. on a normal day, i could probably think of a billion other great things to say about people in general. today, 说不出口. 真的. hate this flawed existence. and to think i was actually enjoying listening about the photoelectric effect today in physics tutorial even. chatting happily with everyone around me. being grateful to my mother for understanding when i said i didn't feel well, letting me sleep in another few hours to rest up. all that, gone. can only think of all the stupid things that have happened today.

research has shown that nothing sticks in the mind more than bad luck, obstacles, and failures. of which, i have no doubt. how everyone takes the good for granted. you can hardly fault people for being cautious and cunning. when all they want is to be the one on top, the one not hurting. people usually dont intend to hurt others. but more often than not, they do, to prevent harming themselves. stupid vicious cycle. ranted so much already, and it feels as if theres so much more to say. i can feel the fatigue in my bones. and yet my mind is in overdrive. because i feel so frustrated, feel that there is such a massive necessity to throw out, thrash out every single bit, every little ounce of rage over the last month, or even year. i want to get all this negative stuff out behind me, and go down to VT and have fun with everyone. because it'll probably be the last time i'm ever going to feel this way. ever going to truly enjoy myself, ever going to really bask in companionship. i dont want this feeling to be marred by some stupid mistake. looking for the perfect moment, the perfect memory.

okay. the exterior rage is all gone. washed away by a wave of exhaustion that just swept over me. my head feels heavy, my joints weak. i just want to sleep. but theres a simmering frustration within that keeps my eyes at the screen, my fingers on the keyboard. just can't stop writing. i'll pull myself away at 1. because thats the bare minimum if i want to stay awake tomorrow. i'm such a fool. why am i so affected by all this. i wish i could pull away, detach self from everything.

but doing all that would lessen the joy that i would feel. so ironic, but true that to experience joy, one must go through all this crap. all the stupid lows of life, all the irritations, problems, frustrations that life throws at you. is it worth it? sometimes when the end isnt even in sight, i get so confused. i don't know what i want. whats my aim? what do i want to do? so many more questions. so little answers. all the while being battered by problems. they say what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. key word being: doesn't kill you. yeah its probably impossible for some little problems to literally steal your life away, but its really tiring and irritating to go through all this. no shortcut, no cheats, no hacks. 1 life is all you get. wth la. why is life like that. the words just keep coming, on and on and on. i wonder when i'll stop. i must stop myself at 1am. no questions asked. meanwhile, i really really want to get everything out of my system.

sometimes when i wake up and look through my eyes, i question my existence. why do i live here? whats my purpose? what exactly am i? whats my goal? whoa re all these people and how are they related? friends? enemies? what are these abstract concepts? do i exist? what else is out there? whats after this? what awaits me? how much more am i going to suffer? how much more am i going to enjoy this? will anything that's going to change my life happen in the next second, the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next year? whats going to happen to 'me'? how do you definine yourself, your identity? what is this name? what am i typing in? what do i speak? why do i speak? why does all this matter? why? why? why?

why?